Love is such a big topic. But what sparked this week's musings isn't the fact that next week is Valentine's day, nor me hearing Tina Turner asking 'What’s love got to do with it?' or even Dolly Parton / Whitney Houston promising to always love me, but Arthur Aron, a 20th-century social psychologist, who came up with 36* questions designed to gradually make 2 people fall in love.
I started to go through them with my other half as I wanted to see if they might have an effect on him. I stopped after the first question. “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”
He answered, “You”.
I was torn between that being the loveliest answer in the world and the worst answer in the world. I now can’t decide if he is a man in love or just a bah humbug who doesn’t like other people.
Valentine’s day
The origins of Valentine's Day can be traced back to ancient Roman festivals, including Lupercalia, which celebrated fertility and the coming of spring. Later, the Christian church appropriated these festivals and established St. Valentine's Day to honour the martyrdom of Saint Valentine, a Roman priest who performed weddings for soldiers forbidden to marry.
Then literature put its tuppence in too, with poets from the Middle Ages such as Geoffrey Chaucer linking Valentine's Day with lovebirds and courtly love in his poem "Parlement of Foules". During this time, it was a common practice to express affection through handwritten notes or tokens of love.
However, the first Valentine's Day card is believed to have been produced by Esther Howland, an American artist and businesswoman, in the 1840s. Howland, began creating elaborate cards adorned with lace, ribbons, and colourful illustrations and utilized the new technology of mass production to manufacture these cards on a larger scale.
Love from a Philosophical Perspective
Philosophers have grappled with questions about the nature of love, its origins, and its significance in human life.
• Plato presents love as a spiritual and transcendent experience. He describes love as a ladder leading from physical attraction to the contemplation of beauty and truth, where earthly love serves as a stepping stone to the pursuit of higher, eternal forms of love.
• Aristotle views love as a virtue, finding balance between extremes. He emphasizes the importance of friendship and argues that true love is based on mutual respect, shared values, and virtuous character.
• St. Augustine views love as a fundamental aspect of the human condition. He distinguishes between earthly love (amor) and divine love (caritas), arguing that true fulfilment can only be found in love for God and neighbour.
• Immanuel Kant sees love as a moral duty rather than a feeling or inclination, where we treat others with respect and consideration, valuing their autonomy and well-being over our own interests.
• Friedrich Nietzsche offers a more unconventional perspective on love, viewing it as a manifestation of the will to power. He criticizes traditional notions of love as a form of self-sacrifice and argues for a more assertive and self-affirming approach to relationships.
• Simone de Beauvoir explores the role of love in shaping gender dynamics and existential freedom. She critiques traditional notions of romantic love as oppressive and argues for love based on mutual respect, equality, and freedom.
• Alain de Botton explores the complexities of romantic relationships, highlighting the importance of self-awareness, communication, and emotional intelligence in navigating the challenges of love.
Love from a Yoga Perspective
In yoga philosophy, love is seen as an expression of the interconnectedness of all existence, known as "universal love" or "cosmic love." This love is considered the essence of the universe and is inherent within every living being. Yoga teaches that by connecting with the divine essence within ourselves, we can experience profound love and unity with all of creation. This principle is underscored by ahimsa, the practice of non-violence and compassion towards all living beings, emphasizing the importance of treating others with care and respect.
Love from a Buddhist Perspective
In Buddhism, love is often understood as metta, or loving-kindness, which is one of the Four Immeasurables or Brahmaviharas. Love, in this context, extends beyond romantic or attachment-based affection to encompass a genuine wish for the well-being and happiness of all beings, without discrimination. It involves cultivating an open-hearted attitude of compassion, empathy, and goodwill towards oneself and others.
Call to Action
This week, you could try out Arthur Aron's 36 questions with a potential partner and see if they fall head over heels for you.
Or give a loving-kindness meditation a shot, (Try it here - scroll down to the 11 minute loving kindess meditation Metta Bahvana) which asks you to spread love to everyone from your bestie to your nemesis, and even beyond.
Or just enjoy a delicious dinner.
Love, good food and meditation - what more could you ask for?
Here is a link to Arthur Aron's study
*And here are the 36 questions
SET I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
SET II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
SET III
25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.