As a child, making friends was easy. You'd walk up to someone in the playground and say, "Will you be my best friend?" They said yes, and Bob's your uncle*, you had a hopscotch* partner for life. However, it gets a little more complicated the older we get.
How Do You Make Friends as an Adult?
When I came back to the UK about 12 years ago from having spent a decade living in Rome, I had to start all over again. No longer living in London, no longer in the same line of work, many old friends had moved on in one way or another, and it was lonely. How do you make friends as an adult? Do you lurk around the fish counter in Tesco and say, "Do you want to come to my house to play?"
Loneliness—often described as a feeling of social isolation or disconnectedness—is not a new concept. (Socrates contemplated the effects of solitude on the human spirit). In 2018, the UK government invented a Minister for Loneliness*, the situation is so acute now that it has earned the title of an "epidemic." Things like changing family structures, urbanization, being glued to our phones, and the fast pace of modern life have all contributed to a rise in loneliness. It affects anyone irrelevant of age*, sex, class, or location. What we often forget is that humans have evolved to need social connections just as we need food and water; we just don’t talk about it much.
Smoking v Loneliness
Loneliness has been likened to smoking in terms of its detrimental effects on health. Research shows that loneliness and poor social engagement are associated with higher levels of inflammatory markers and are linked with increased levels of stress hormones and compromised immune function. These physiological changes can elevate the risk of chronic conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and even cognitive decline.
Can we just pause here a second? Did that hit you as much as it hit me? You can die from loneliness. And before you think I am being melodramatic, studies* consistently suggest that individuals with strong social connections tend to live longer, healthier lives. Loneliness, on the other hand, has been linked to increased mortality rates.
Famous Loners: Solitude or Isolation?
Obviously, there is a difference between choosing to be alone and having loneliness thrust upon you. There is nothing wrong with choosing your own company wanting some solitude, which is very different from isolation which is involuntary. There have been many famous individuals throughout history who are known for their tendency to be more solitary or prefer spending time alone.
Emily Dickinson: The American poet known for her reclusive lifestyle spent much of her life in relative seclusion, rarely leaving her family's home.
J.D. Salinger: The author of "The Catcher in the Rye," became increasingly private and reclusive as his fame grew.
Nikola Tesla: The inventor and electrical engineer known for his intense focus on his work and his preference for solitude.
Vincent van Gogh: The Dutch painter struggled with mental health issues and spent time in isolation during various periods of his life. He produced many of his famous works while in solitude.
Greta Garbo: The Swedish actress was famous for her line "I want to be alone," and she withdrew from public life after retiring from acting, leading a reclusive lifestyle.
Howard Hughes: The American business magnate and aviator became increasingly reclusive as he aged.
Loneliness in Music
The theme of loneliness has been an inspiration for countless songwriters, given its universal resonance. I defy anyone to deny having “done a Bridget Jones” where you find yourself singing in your living room, indulging in the depths of your heartbreak and loneliness. (Her song was "All by Myself", what was yours?)
"Eleanor Rigby" The Beatles
"I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" Hank Williams (the title says it all).
"Solitude" Duke Ellington
"Alone Again (Naturally)" Gilbert O'Sullivan
"I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet)" The White Stripes
"Lonely" Akon
"Mad World" Tears for Fears
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" Green Day
Happy Aging
There is a difference between life span and health span. Life span is the theoretical upper limit of how long a person could live. The human life span is estimated to be around 120 to 130 years, although very few of us reach this age due to a combination of factors such as diseases, accidents, and biological limitations (and not enough yoga).
Health span, on the other hand, refers to the period of a person's life during which we are generally healthy, active, and free from serious chronic illnesses or disabilities. It focuses on the quality of life and functional abilities, rather than just the length of life. What’s the point of living to 120 if you are riddled with crippling health issues that give you no quality of life for 50 years?
Contrary to the notion that genetics dictate our health span, a staggering 80% of our well-being is under our control.
This control lies in the choices we make in three areas:
Lifestyle
Overall attitude toward aging
Social interactions
Call to Action
Lifestyle – you know what you need to do here… eat well, sleep well, get regular exercise, spend time in nature, reduce stress, laugh more, and definitely more yoga.
Overall attitude toward aging - Research challenges conventional wisdom by revealing that life truly gets better after 50. We need a positive attitude in the aging process. Engaging socially and nurturing positive interactions can lead to a more optimistic perception of aging. Remarkably, this perception has a tangible impact on the rate at which we age and the overall quality of our lives.
Social interactions - Keep sociable. Why not pick up the phone and reach out to 3 people you haven't spoken to in a while? (Even if it’s been ages since you spoke to them). Consider doing something you love in a group: maybe an exercise class or something creative. (Maybe go on a retreat and meet new people - did I mention I am running a retreat 23-26 Feb 2024?). Keep sociable and chatting to people.
If you're stuck, you can always find me lurking around the fish counter in Tesco.
*Bobs your uncle originates from a political appointment. In 1887, Arthur Balfour, who was a nephew of the British Prime Minister Robert Gascoyne-Cecil (also known as Lord Salisbury), was unexpectedly appointed as Chief Secretary for Ireland. This appointment, seen as an instance of nepotism, led to the phrase "Bob's your uncle and Fanny's your aunt" being used to describe something that can be easily achieved through connections or favouritism.
*hopscotch this children’s game history can be traced back to ancient civilizations. There are records of similar games being played in ancient Greece, Rome, and even ancient China. In ancient Greece, for instance, a game called "ebeiria" involved hopping over a line drawn on the ground.
*the current person holder of this title is the Rt Hon Stuart Andrew MP Minister for Loneliness and Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport
*A study by Cigna found that Generation Z (18-22 years old) reported the highest levels of loneliness, with nearly half saying they always or sometimes feel alone.
* Holt-Lunstad Study (2010): found that individuals with stronger social relationships had a 50% increased likelihood of survival compared to those with weaker social ties. The study analyzed data from 148 studies involving over 300,000 participants and concluded that social connections had a significant impact on mortality risk.